Many of us think that if two people love each other, sex will be incredible. Films tell us. Romantic novels tell us. Our well -intentioned aunts but deeply poorly informed tell us.
But do the figures support him? Not exactly.
A study of psychologists Amy Offman and Kim Matheson (2005) found that sexual Compatibility is a key predictor of satisfaction. And when sex is dull, things become messy.
For women, sexual incompatibility was linked to higher levels of anxiety And depression. For men, the perception of their compatibility partner imported more than real experience. If their partner thought that sex was good, they were happy (even if sex was not great).
But perception counts more than reality. Psychologist Kristen Mark and her colleagues (2013) have found that believing that you are sexually compatible is a stronger predictor of satisfaction that really be Compatible in terms of preferences or levels of desire. If partners feel Like a good sexual match, they are much happier in their relationships.
But if they don’t?
Research shows that sexual satisfaction is not always given, even in the relations committed. Almost 20% of married people are in a relationship involuntarily without sex.
When sexual needs are not met, the consequences are serious. Research led by Psychologist James McNulty and his colleagues (2016) have found that sexual satisfaction is one of the strongest predictors of the relationship happinessindependent of love or commitment.
Another study have found that almost 50% of divorces cite sexual dissatisfaction as a major factor.
Love alone does not guarantee a big sex. If love alone will not do it, what will it?
What makes sex really great?
In my research, I conducted in -depth interviews with people on their most memorable and fulfilled sexual experiences. I wanted to know: what does it do big sex mean?
Their answers were surprisingly consistent.
Chemistry as a foundation
Love provides emotional depth, of course. But chemistry? It is the spark that sets fire on fire.
Rachel, 37, said it frankly: “It’s a bit frustrating because I was in love and I had poor sexual relations, and I had the best sex in my life with someone I didn’t even like.”
This returns the fairy tale script. We have to believe that love guarantees passion, but many people find themselves in deeply committed relationships where the spark is simply not there.
Love can prepare the field, but chemistry is what makes the spectacle advance.
Jenna, 40, admitted: “I thought that if I loved someone enough, sex would be put in place, but that did not work in this way.”
Love without chemistry is like a car without gas: you can sit on whatever you want, but you do not become exciting.
Orgasms: non -negotiable (most of them, anyway)
For most of my participants, orgasms were non -negotiable.
“A orgasm It’s not just the cherry on the top. It’s all the fucking sundae, “said Vanessa, 39.” When it’s good, you feel like a million dollars. When it’s disappointing, you just laid down there, wondering why you even disturbed.
For many people, orgasm is the highest point. The grand finale that makes everything worth it. But not everyone sees this in this way. Some participants in my study stressed that even if the orgasms are excellent, they are not the only measure of a big sex. For them, pleasure was more on connection, sensation or even anticipation itself.
However, the overwhelming majority agreed: with regard to sexual satisfaction, orgasms count. And if they are constantly missing, it is then that frustration begins to slip.
Emotional connections matter, but not just love
For some, the big sex concerns emotional connection, but that does not always mean love.
“Some of the best sex I had was with someone I didn’t even like it,” said Chris, 41. “It was a question of confidence and intensity, no romance.”
Whether it is safe enough to let go, the thrill of something new, or the electricity of pure attractionEmotions play a role in unforgettable sex.
Sexual responsiveness: pay AttentionPeople
Bad sex looks like a bad karaoke. You are both trying, but no one is hitting the right notes.
Sexual responsiveness – Aaka actually be careful – changes the situation. It is not only a question of enthusiasm; It’s about synchronization with your partner.
Mia, 36, explained: “Big sex? This is when you and your partner have music together, and none of you wants the song to end. It’s not just about doing your own thing and being great in this area. It’s about listening, adapting and knowing exactly when increasing the volume. »»
But being reactive is not only a question of technique. It is a question of presence. If your mind is elsewhere, your body could as well be. This is where mindfulness come.
Julia, 52, shared: “I thought I was just bad in sex because my ex and I never clicked. Then, I slept with someone new who was careful, and I realized, oh, I am not in pain on this subject. I just needed someone who was really present with me.
What do you do with sexual incompatibility?
The good news? Sexual compatibility is not only a question of luck. It can be cultivated.
How to improve sexual compatibility:
- Talk to it. Research Show couples who openly discuss sex report significantly higher satisfaction. Avoiding conversation does not make problems disappear. This makes them clumsy.
- Experience together. Research shows that couples that are actively communicating on their desires and experimenting together indicate significantly higher sexual satisfaction than those that count on “natural chemistry” alone.
- Stay curious. Sexual preferences Move over time. Regular recordings keep things fresh and prevent boredom.
- Prioritize pleasure on performance. Focus on pleasure on performance reduces pressure and increases satisfaction. A lower pressure is equivalent to better sex.
The to remember: the secret of great sex
Love is beautiful. But if it was enough, each loving couple would have breathtaking sex. (Spoiler alert: this is not the case.)
The best sex occurs when the partners ceases to assume that it should be effortless and start to actively prioritize pleasure, communication and adaptability. What is the real secret of big sex? It is an effort. No more chemistry, a lot of communication and the desire to learn, listen and put the work. (Hey, maybe even work in sweating while you are there!)
