Why is sadness very alone?

“Sadness is very alone, right? It is a single experience.” These words come from a recent interview with the psychotherapist Tim Jones from the new consultation of the city. Speaking from the experience. He consults people who deal with the loss of a member of his family, and in 2017, because of cancer, his wife, the mother of their four young children.

Jones’s comment about Feeling lonely It came while we were discussing unhelpful ways to link the bereaved. He pointed out that one of the problems is when we use phrases such as “I understand what you are going through”, or “you must feel (whatever).” He said that despite the goodwill, such a “supposed” conversation failed to express personal contact or show interest in the deceased. Its effect is to keep us away from the actual and unique experience of the sad person. He added that he could make our condolences unintentionally for ourselves, when what is required is listening in the first place and “coming to” the other at the time of pain.

However, Jones insisted, taking the “danger of meeting” is necessary. Yes, we say things “not quite correct.” But errors can be identified and fixed. In fact, in his own experience, he found himself approaching those who have the courage to address errors and try again.

Jones pointed out that more sad about the bereaved is our tendency to stay away. He said that avoidance often reflects uncertainty about knowing the right thing that must be said or done, and our uncomfortable suffering and unpredictable emotions. The presence around sadness can also be anxietyProduction for another reason. This reminds us of our weak losses and potential losses, as suggested, both sides of our humanity, which is not easy to face.

It is difficult to recognize death and sadness. More than that in an era, most of us – boldly – did not have some slightly direct familiarity with death. And the most difficult, like Jones overwrought– Similar to the other sadness and priests advisers I met – while many rituals of society and customs that were presented as soon as the rules and trends were provided for sadness or disappeared. With little on the way to the scenario on how to speak and act, we are thrown on our limited resources to move in these difficult situations.

Sadness can be alone (as research confirms¹) For other reasons as well. I want to be briefly touched on three daily facts that prevent communication in sadness.

The moral duty to be happy

Death is not a cheerful subject. Perhaps the talk about it has become taboo, as the social historian Philip Aris suggests in his book Western attitudes towards deathAnd for a close reason to mourning. In contemporary society, we have a “moral duty” and “social commitment” happiness. Every person must contribute to this, to collective happiness by avoiding any cause of sadness or boredomBy appearing as always happy, even if he is in the depths of despair. By showing the least sign of sadness, one’s sins against happiness, threatening them, and then risking society To be.²

Patrick Omali, another psychologist, has previously met more than 40 years of experience, to a similar conclusion. Dash attention To a chapter in his book Get the right sadnessHe discovered how the suffering became “shameful”. He said that the main perpetrator is a “positive culture.” The criterion, according to a transmission psychologist, is “positive thinking” always, “put a happy face”, and removes any “position and speech that has no significant impact on the mood of the individual.” This mandate, according to Amali, recently retired, was a common problem with his customers, and unique clarity Openness About sadness and “sadness, pain and confusion”.³

Individual sadness, not collective mourning

Academic books often highlight the isolation of sadness in our society using comparisons with bereavement Traditional societies’ practices. But after the tragedies, such as school shootings, we can witness our moments of mass mourning: the flow of sadness, join the entire society. On these occasions, as we had here at the University of Virginia in November 2022, there are large gatherings, packed funerals, public memorials, and open offers PassionAnd, especially among those who knew the deceased, a lot of words and sharing stories about them and what they meant. This talk continues.

In group events like this, despite clear differences, we can see what is often missing for bereaved people in daily life.

In the first place, we may simply note that in our society, most of the urban people of the middle class-with exceptions in definitely-are not part of narrow local communities or extended kinship networks. The death of a person, which is usually at an advanced age, then Retirement And when children are cultivated, they are unlikely to have a significant effect on a group or disable his work. Of course, there may be old friends, colleagues and relatives, but they are likely to be geographically dispersed and numbered among those who seek the comfort of the bereaved instead of those who are deeply affected. Under the normal conditions of life today, there are generally a small number of sadness, then anyone else. The burden feels special and psychological.

No one talks to him

In the second place, we can see that even among a few bereaved, there may be limited opportunities to exchange memories with those who know the deceased. As mentioned above, the conversation may hinder the geographical dispersion. Living everywhere, family members and friends have a usual face interaction. The funeral or memorial ceremony, if held, may be the only opportunity that they have to hug and remember together, and this may come after months of death. Although the phone and other means of communication can definitely help, Al -Masha’i may still be surrounded by people, who do not know the deceased, do not feel their sadness.

The truth is that our social worlds – from home and work to tennis and church – often do not overlap. Those whom we know in one place are often different from those we know in another. If someone close to us dies, many of those we interact with them will not know them. Although these people can definitely exchange their condolences, they cannot talk about the person who died or contributes to the story about them.

Our social worlds are also fragmented in other ways. Look, for example, Divorce/Marriage or mixed families. In these cases, affected persons may be separated, or hesitant to talk to each other, or unwilling to talk about the deceased. The increasing division of families through the separation of children from their parents will be another example of closely related persons who are unable to join some of them in mutual support.

Lonely and more difficult

The avoidance and other obstacles in front of the conversation can have a deep impact on the experience of sadness. These obstacles make them alone, which will be bad enough, but isolation can prevent the foregoing as well.

In our time of the most privatized sadness, the daily conversation and storytelling have grown as important as the rituals of dealing. As the advisors I met, these basic means have now become to rebuild a sense of regime, find meaning, and to redirect identity After disrupting life and losing the social bond that the death brings. However, at a time when our “need to talk about the dead” may increase, in the words of British sociologist Tony Walter, the “main resource” – those who knew the deceased and who can produce a common CV, may disappear, the story that “enables” the living ” memory From the dead in their continuous lives. “⁴

Many in our situation is what it is. However, we can help. Even if we do not know the deceased or know them well, we can still play an important role. We can listen to the bereaved, admit what it goes through, and encourage them to share their stories. We can follow the Counselor Jones, the risk of sharing.