Why everyone needs to “remarry” their partner

Co-authored by Galit Romanelli, MSc

Jim and Yolanda look tired. After spending 13 years and having four children together, they became immersed in a stage of finger-pointing and the Cold War. Jim admits he’s glad he’s just “bearing it.” marriage. He looks at me and asks: Is it really possible to want a life partner after all these years?

The year was 2014. I (Asil) was a young and exhausted father of two young children and a couples therapist, married for only three years. One night I was reading Mating In captivity Written by psychiatrist Esther Perel When I came across a phrase that stopped me:

“Most people will have two marriages or committed relationships in their adult lives. Some of us will have the same person.”

That sentence baffled me, haunted me, and ultimately inspired me. What do you mean, married to the same person? I just found my personality. Galit and I were learning how to be partners and new parents at the same time. The idea that I would have to “marry again” her one day seemed strange, even threatening.

Four years later, after several life changes and a deep marital crisis, I finally understood. Our first marriage has ended. We were still together, but our version of “I do” was no longer there. The question was not whether I would marry again. It was about whether I would get married again For anger

We all change. Our bodies, interests, priorities, and sexual desires change over time. Almost every cell in our body renews itself…so why should we expect our marriage to stay the same? The truth is that both partners never stop developing. It is only a matter of time until your original relational contract begins to unravel. What used to seem easy and natural may start to feel restrictive, outdated, or just plain old boring.

At that point, most couples either quietly give up and endure the old dance or break up and start over with someone new.

But there is another way.

You can stay with the same partner and Completely reimagine and redesign your marriage, which we call remarrying your spouse. Remarriage allows you to enjoy the richness, depth and shared history of a long-term relationship while rediscovering the excitement and vitality of new love. This reflects Dr. David Schnarch’s teaching that marriage (or any long-term relationship) is a mechanism for people’s growth, a living system that challenges us to develop, expand, and realize our potential.

If it is so valuable, why don’t couples remarry naturally? Because most of us never saw our parents do that. Their relationships were often either quiet backgrounds or emotional prisons. And Hollywood doesn’t show that either, just happily ever after Delusions Or dramatic explosions. No wonder we don’t know how to refresh a relationship that has become stale.

The idea of ​​remarriage became the seed of a relational model that Galit and I developed, a practical roadmap for couples who want to reinvent their relationship without leaving it. It took us years of trial, error, and error to treat To find out, and even longer to embody it.

The remarriage model has helped us renegotiate and reinvent our marriage several times over the past 15 years (we are now on our sixth marriage to each other). We began applying the model to couples in our clinic, and eventually began teaching it in workshops—because we believe that not every couple needs therapy, but every couple needs relationship tools.

What we’ve learned is simple yet profound: Reinventing your marriage is possible if you’re willing to practice. Here is a model of the four stages:

He plays
Fun is a mindset of curiosity, flexibility, and willingness to make mistakes. It’s the ability to explore, move and laugh together – to let go of control and rediscover the lightness that first attracted you. Play is the lubricant of relationships; It keeps things from getting stuck and keeps the energy flowing between you.

Own your shadows
Every relationship has shadows – those parts of ourselves that we deny, hide, or project onto our partner: Jealousy, Angerwant, lust, greed, pride. When we own these parts instead of disowning them, we stop blaming our partner for what we actually have to face. The very qualities we try to suppress often hold the key to our lives.

Let it land
It’s about listening not just with your ears, but with your whole body. Instead of defending or making amends, you allow your partner’s words to seep through. You let them move you. It’s how you show that growth matters more than ego. When you let things settle, you turn listening into a form of love.

Say the thing
Speaking directly is risky because it calls for honesty, and honesty can be uncomfortable. But it’s the only way to do that Intimacy. Most couples dance around the truth, leaving behind a trail of assumptions, resentments, and unspoken needs. Saying what’s true — “I miss you,” “I’m hurt,” “I want you” — is what keeps love alive.

These four skills — play, ownership, letting it slide, and saying it — form the backbone of remarriage. Think of it as a spiral dance that guides you through old patterns toward your next marriage together. Simple, but not easy. Skills require daily practice. Every time you do this, you peel back another layer, rediscovering your partner and revealing new parts of your personality. (You’ll find out more about the remarriage process here.)

When couples learn how to remarry each other, they become more open, playful, and loving. They experience relational freedom, the freedom to be your full self—messy, flawed, and beautiful—and still feel loved.

We don’t need a new partner. We need a new way to live with the way we already have.

Gallet Romanelli He is a sociologist, certified relationship coach, Ph.D. Candidate in sex Studies, co-director of potential state.