Who am I now? | Psychology Today

Trauma doesn’t just hurt us emotionally; It reshapes who we think we are. But your identity can be restored.

In my work K Psychological A nurse practitioner, I have supported thousands of people facing trauma, loss and mental health challenges. But nothing prepared me for the identity crisis that followed the deaths of three of my children, Johnny, Reggie, and Myah. Each loss shattered something inside me, not just emotionally, but existentially as well. Not only did I lose my children; I lost my sense of self.

I have been a mother, a wife, a caregiver, a doctor, and a professional. But who am I now? Was I even a mother anymore?

This question haunted me, and I have since learned that it haunts many others as well. After the shock, sadnessOr illness or a major change in your life, it’s not uncommon to find yourself looking in the mirror and asking: Who am I without this person? Without this role? Without the life I thought I would have?

Here’s what I’ve come to understand, personally and professionally: Identity rebuilding is not separate from healing, it is part of healing.

When roles disappear, the soul feels confused

We often define ourselves by our roles: I am a parent. I am a partner. I am an assistant. I’m a high achiever. These identities are reinforced by our daily routines, the people who need us, and the structures around us. But when shock or loss comes, especially when it is sudden, these roles can collapse in an instant.

I still remember the calm that followed Reggie’s death. Not just emotional silence, but the absence of tasks. No more medications to keep track of. no to treat Timetables. There are no seizures to monitor. My days, once dictated Caregivingis now empty. The silence was unbearable, not only because of sadness, but because I didn’t know what to do. My identity was wrapped around keeping Reggie alive. And now he’s gone.

This is something I see a lot in people who have lost a loved one, left a long-term relationship, walked away from a difficult job, or survived a health crisis. External changes are obvious. But it is difficult to name the internal ones. There is a kind of invisible sadness for yourself, for the version of you that no longer exists.

What happened to you is not who you are

One of the most liberating things about recovering from trauma is that what happened to you is not the full story of who you are.

Trauma can create what psychologists call “over-identification with the wound.” The event or loss becomes the lens through which you see everything, including yourself. Although it is important to acknowledge trauma, it can also begin to define us if we are not careful.

In my own journey, I started to notice how many times I thought I was broken. Or “the mother who lost her children.” I didn’t realize I was reinforcing a narrative that had me bound to pain. It wasn’t intentional. It was a form of self-protection. But it was also preventing me from imagining anything new.

This is where the work begins, where your experience is gently separated from your essence. Ask yourself: “What parts of me are still here? What parts are waiting to be rediscovered or rebuilt?” It’s not about erasing the loss. It’s about expanding beyond that.

Working on identity is part of healing

Psychologically, identity is not fixed. It develops in response to our life experiences, environments, and choices. After trauma, we often go through a process called… Post-traumatic growthIt is a concept supported by decades of research. While trauma in and of itself does not lead to growth, how we process it can lead to greater self-awareness, deeper values, and a redefined sense of purpose.

For me, this meant returning to my beliefs. Not religious beliefs, but basic beliefs: I believe people can grow. I believe that pain can have a purpose. I believe that my children’s lives matter, and that the way I live my life can respect their lives.

I didn’t become a new person overnight. I rebuilt slowly, over time, through small decisions: how I spent my mornings, how I took care of my body, how I reconnected with others, and how I allowed myself to feel sad and happy at the same time.

are you still there

If you’re reading this and feeling like you’ve lost yourself, I want you to know: you’re still there.

You may not feel like you are the same person you were before, and you are not. Trauma changes us, but it does not erase us. The essence of who you are, your empathy, your wisdomfor you banterYour grit, those pieces are still intact. Some may be buried. But it can be detected and strengthened.

Rebuilding your identity does not mean ignoring your pain. It means allowing both your grief and your growth to coexist, and using that tension to create something new.