What not to say to someone who has chosen family estrangement
Family estrangement is often misunderstood and stigmatized, making many who choose it reluctant to share their experiences with others. When they can talk, they choose people who are safe and able to relate to them. Would you like to be one of these people? If so, consider the following guidelines.
Don’t focus on your beliefs
Avoid saying:
- “But they are your family.”
- “Family is everything.”
- “You only have one father/mother/grandparent.”
The person who chose the estrangement does not need to hear your thoughts or feelings about the family. They have heard it before from others or from society, yet they are disconnected. Instead, consider being curious about their beliefs and situation.
He says:
- “What are your beliefs about family?”
- “This must have been a difficult decision.”
- “You deserve relationships that make you feel safe and valuable.”
Don’t compare experiences
Avoid saying:
- “Every family has problems.”
- “My family has made mistakes too, but I still talk to them.”
- “They never abused me/hurt me/oppressed me.”
In your attempt to connect, you may inadvertently compare your own experiences to theirs. But your family is not this person’s family, so any comparison doesn’t make sense. Even if they share your family, your experiences are not theirs. Even siblings close in age who grew up in the same family can have very different experiences, and both are true.
Instead, say:
- “I believe you, even if my experience is different.”
- “I trust you know what’s best for you.”
- “It sounds like your family relationships are hurting.”
Avoid trying to repair
Avoid saying:
- “You should try it Forgive they.”
- “If they change, can you give them another chance?”
- “You’ll feel better if you reach out.”
Just as comparisons are ineffective, so is unsolicited advice. You can encourage them to take action with the intention of helping. But this is rarely productive and it shows when you simply tell them what to do. Remember: Their situation is different from yours, and what you think will work for you or what might work for you may not work for them.
Instead, say:
- “Do you want or need my input?”
- “Healing may look different for everyone. What do you need to heal?”
- “How can I support you now?”
Don’t blame them
Avoid saying:
- “You’ll wish you had another chance when they die.”
- “How can you do that to your family?”
- “They need you.”
Feeling guilty rarely causes someone to permanently change their thoughts, feelings, or actions, but it can cause emotional damage. Those who use Guilt or He is afraid Against others they are not safe people, and they should avoid discussing family estrangement.
Instead, say:
- “I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
- “I trust that you are making choices that keep you safe.”
- “i believe you.”
Family estrangement is not a topic that everyone can safely discuss. The best way to support someone who has chosen them is not by fixing, comparing, guilting, or fixating on your beliefs, but by listening without an agenda. When you offer acceptance instead of advice, and curiosity instead of criticism, you become the safe person they can talk to.
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