Using CARE to promote collaborative parenting

CARE is an acronym for the mindset necessary to improve your ability to solve problems during conflict. Conflict can be with anyone. Of course, most of my clients are co-parents, but CARE works with best friends, wayward bosses, ambivalent children, as well as an ex with whom you no longer feel you have anything in common. When there is disagreement, think about CARE:

C is for communications

I have worked with thousands of co-parents over the years. Everyone tells me why they’re there: “We need to improve our communication. We can’t talk to each other.”

Let’s say that in court, the order would be “served in writing only.” This is done to check who is the instigator of the disputes. The phrase “texting” is often added to a court order in an attempt to allow some form of communication with parents, albeit limited.

Texting is convenient, but it is not a communication tool. It’s a notice tool. It’s something you use to tell a parent that you’re going to be 15 minutes late for an exchange. Texting has become the path of least resistance for separated parents. Don’t want to talk to your ex? Send them a text message.

Texting is simply not a productive way to raise your children together.

Ironically, “text-only communication” has become the path of least resistance for the courts as well. The courts do not want to play arbiter for separated parents; Therefore, parents are required to use a shared programParenting The app can even monitor their insults. If you have to log your poor choices via an app as evidence of your inability to communicate with a parent, you’ll benefit from reading written.

The following communication methods depend on: Speaking and listening To your co-parent, not text messages.

Active listening

Active listening is a communication style that requires the listener to paraphrase or paraphrase what they have just heard in their own words, ensuring that both parties have a shared understanding.

Phrases that will help you listen more actively are:

• “I’m curious why you feel this way.” (Ask someone to explain their point of view.)

• “Tell me more about that…” (prompts the person to volunteer more information.)

• “So, what you’re saying is…” (They are asked to check that they heard correctly.)

Trust and transparency

Because trust is essential to any working relationship, rebuilding trust is crucial if co-parents are to successfully resolve issues together.

Rebuilding trust starts with small gestures: small things like saying “Your mom (or dad) and I discussed this, and we decided…” to children when talking about the decisions you and your dad made.

Here is an example of how quickly trust between co-parents erodes:

“We agreed on something—that Noah’s father would call him at five o’clock when he was with me. We were home to talk at five o’clock. He would call at six o’clock. I can’t trust anything he says.”

Honest and transparent communication enhances your credibility. If you say you’ll call at 5:00, call at 5:00. If you can’t, tell your partner about it. This is a great example of when texting works well. “I can’t call at 5pm tonight. How about 5pm tomorrow?” finished.

Tact and timing

Tact (how you say something) and timing (when you say something) have a lot to do with how cooperative your co-parent is.

Before you speak, read the room. This is done using tact and timing.

Here is an example of what can happen when tact and timing are lacking:

“I just finished a session in which a father wanted more time with his son. He and his mother have a checkered history, but they had been working together and had made great strides during previous sessions. At the beginning of this session, the mother declared that she was exhausted and overwhelmed by the responsibilities of her job, being the primary task Caregiver She had four children, two of whom had special needs, and had just returned from a vacation at Disneyland. Just talking about it made her cry a little. Father didn’t care. He immediately started making demands, and this was not the time to discuss something as emotional as changing your parenting plan. He had forgotten the importance of tact and timing. We are back to square one.”

A is for acceptance

Learning to accept that others have viewpoints different from yours is another key to dealing with conflict. Here’s an example of what this realization looks like.

“I got married when I was young. At first, life was great, but in the end we parted ways,” she read Self-help Books and passages were offered to him for change. He didn’t want to listen and thought my position was one-sided. But I knew I was right, and this fueled our differences. We finally got it absolute.

Years later, she married again. We had three kids, and again, life was great for a while, but slowly the same patterns emerged, and I honestly believed that if he just changed, we would be okay. Our arguments got worse, but I didn’t want to get a divorce this time. I had children. I decided that if I wanted to stay married, I had to be the one to change. I must accept my husband as he is and learn to value his opinions as my own, even if they are different from mine. Change was not an option. It was acceptance.”

R is for respect

Treating your parent with respect means considering them as equals and giving them the same consideration you would in a given situation.

Here’s an example of how offering respect can change things for the better.

“I recently stopped referring to my son’s father as my ‘ex’. I could see in my son’s expression that it bothered him. He was scrunching his face like he smelled something bad. When I asked him about it, he told me it made him feel bad. ‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged. ‘But, mom?’

E for sympathy

Empathy bridges the gap of misunderstanding by suggesting that you think about how you might feel if you were put in the same situation. Another way to say it? Put yourself in their place.

“My ex-husband and I shared custody of the children. I always had doctor and dentist appointments when we were together, so I took it for granted that this would continue when we got divorced. I never told him when the kids went to the dentist. I thought it was none of his business. I was their mother. Then one day, I found out that our youngest had had a tooth extracted, and that his father had taken care of it. I was angry. I realized that this must be exactly how their father felt when my ex-husband and I were together.” “I did not consult him about appointments, so, from that point on, I never took my children to another appointment without keeping their father informed, just as it was my right as their mother. This shift has had a huge impact on how we communicate now.”

Every now and then, I receive a comment that the CARE approach is impractical. “True divorcees don’t get along,” one reader wrote.

They do this if they put their children first. And I must say that, it is not difficult to fight with your ex. Working together on behalf of your children is an achievement you can be proud of.