Three questions that instantly defuse couples’ arguments

Any relationship worth its salt goes through the ebb and flow of seasons, both good and bad. Conflict is inevitable, whether it’s a disagreement over moving cities, a misunderstanding due to different communication styles, or the same old saying, “Why don’t you help out more around the house?”

But how you handle these fights and what happens next is what always decides the fate and course of your relationship – whether it will last or fizzle out after a few more fights. Even if you are deeply in love, your emotions can be intense during critical moments. This can turn the dynamic into a “you versus me” battle when it should still be an “us versus the problem” approach.

Even at the height of any argument, you are a team and should work to find a solution instead of tearing each other apart. These three questions are meant to remind you that you’re fighting for your relationship, not against it.

1. Do you really feel like I’m listening to you?

The majority of relationship problems arise when one partner does not feel seen, heard, or understood. No matter how many times or how many ways a person tries to express themselves, sometimes the other person just doesn’t seem to “get it.” And the signs are not always as clear as we might assume.

In moments like these, pause, calm yourselves, and take turns asking each other: “Do I feel like I’m really listening to you? If not, what can I do now to make you feel truly heard?” This simple question shows that you care and are willing to work through difficult moments actively.

Instead of slipping into an adrenaline-filled defensive mode or going on the attack, you’re gently reminded that you and your partner are on the same team, working to find a solution. No matter how you feel in the heat of the moment, your partner is not your enemy.

A 2024 He studies Published in Current psychology She identified three main strategies people commonly use to make their partner feel better. The first is appreciation, which means expressing appreciation to their partner. The second is banter Or make your partner laugh. The third thing, which is the most important, is: Receptive listeningwhich involves encouraging your partner to share their honest feelings and making them feel truly heard.

2. How would you feel in my place?

During heated discussions, egos clash, and it becomes easy to forget that you are fighting with someone you love. This is the same person who stays up at your bedside when you’re sick, reminds you to eat your lunch when you’re late, buys groceries when you’re too busy, and does a million little things that make life easier and more beautiful.

However, in moments of struggle, all you can remember is every time they wronged you, how you felt in those situations, and how you would never want to find yourself there again. The narrative turns into “me versus you.”

But, when you put pride aside and ask each other: “How would you feel in my place?” Not with the sting Passion But with a softer tone and genuine curiosity, you’re giving your relationship a fighting chance. Then you can really understand each other’s points of view and come to a compromise.

Last 2024 He studies Published in Journal of Family Psychology conducted three studies to examine whether Taking perspective It helps isolate negative behaviors during relationship conflicts. They found that across all studies, participants who adopted their partner’s perspective acted less hurtful, less critical, and less distant during an argument.

Usually, when one partner attacks, the other responds in kind. However, people with high perspective were less likely to escalate conflict or respond negatively to their partners’ reactions.

Even when researchers took into account relationship satisfaction and level of commitment, Self esteemand Attachment insecuritythe effect of perspective taking still has meaning. It’s not just that people with great relationships act less critically. It was the act of perspective taking itself that made the biggest difference.

3. What can we do to make this feeling less painful?

Arguments are messy. Both sides get hurt, and no one emerges victorious. When things get tough, one or both partners may lose their temper, resulting in yelling, slamming doors, or worse, days of silence and many late nights spent wondering, “Are you okay?” Without any specific answers.

Research suggests that couples who engage in combat with empathy are not only better off emotionally, but they also calm their bodies. pressure Feedback. In 2014 He studiesThe researchers discovered that partners who were able to resolve conflicts in healthy ways showed less physiological stress, as evidenced by decreased skin conductivity, stable heart rate, and comforting biofeedback during heated exchanges.

By interrupting a fight mid-match and asking each other, “How do we make this less hurtful for both of us?” What you’re really doing is:

• Create a space that feels more emotionally safe for each other.
• Let the other person know that you still care about them.
• To become more receptive and solution-oriented as a team.

Asking any one or even all three of these questions can stop any argument in its tracks, and make it a more constructive and loving conversation.

Make it a habit to ask your partner these questions when you feel an argument is about to happen. Over time, it will make you both more responsive to each other and less likely to react rashly in a fight. Most of all, it will help you remember that you are one unit.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.