The wedding planning secretly hides

An example of an issue

Dora and Dennis are two compounds from my office. They are in love violently, but they sought to marry before to treat Because they are fighting on wedding plans. Dennis reaches the session to Kakis Couton, and metal clips around two pant ankles, and his bike is parked abroad. Dora has long black hair, beautiful eyelashes accessories, and very expensive jeans are carefully torn on the knees. I met Denis after giving a general lecture on the effect of deforestation on tree frogs. His passion for saving the planet is impressive, and he loves its fun and sweet ways.

While with me, they argue around the wedding. Dennis pressure on a rustic outdoor environment, guests wear cross clothes, eat vegetable burgers. Durrat Dance Hall, with white pulse, sparkling lights, and boiled salmon. It moves on places and food options, deeper: their identities. The sub -text is, “Are you really a person who wants to burger? Because in my family, we will not think about it!”

The layout of the wedding is shouting volumes about the inevitable differences between each partner. In our fourth session, the issue is gift bags. “Beautiful baskets! Snacks and bottled water in the hotel rooms for guests outside the city!” Says Dora!

Dennis suddenly records exactly what she said. “Booled water?” He asks loudly. “In glass or plastic?”

“Plastic?” She says a role in a state of whisper almost and she chooses in a hole in her jeans.

He stands and waves his arms on it. “Do you even care about correcting garbage in the Great Pacific Ocean? That plastic kills marine life!”

Mascara is a role working while tears dripping her cheeks. “Do not shout,” she says quietly. “I have already asked them.”

Dennis retires on the sofa, and his body appears as an exaggerated balloon. “My love”, as he says. “I’m sorry. I want you to be happy.” He left a great sigh. “Just remember in the future, not plastic bottles, well?” Hold a handkerchief and serve her.

As if I am not in the room, they embrace, and Denis gives her a thin kiss. When they stand to leave, he says: “I think we’ll be fine now, DOC. Thank you!”

The secret secret

In the crucible of wedding parties, hope is burned for an ideal union and what may be suitable within each of us. We yearn to see and love who we are, we are proud, understanding and supported, and we have not abandoned it. From the place where I sit, the function of planning for weddings and extravagance is an ideal day in spending your attention from what you really do: make the terrifying jump in a new life with a strange person you think you know. It takes some time until the bliss factor fades. You gradually discover those who got married, and that your union is defective, as is the case, and the pressure for change will not be resolved between you.

Dora and Dinis returned after five years. They have a big boy now and a home designed by Dennis to be an environmentally friend, but they are fighting a lot. She misses living near her parents. His ability to control his nerves stumbled. I have been tired of caring for children and household chores, and the ways of controlling it closed sexual Attention to it. He does not feel supported.

They are struggling with something deeper: they clearly see things about the other they do not like and realize that these things are baking in the partner’s personality and will not change. This is a normal stage of marriageAnd which I called “The Reckoning”.

the account

This usually happens between the third and seven years, when you have a much better idea of ​​how you and your partner are not suitable. You must reconcile the disappointment that this brings with the continuous value of existence together. Tell a couple this: “The marriage work has just started for you.

I ask each one to talk about their relationship with their parents, how they were shown in the family, what wounds they carry, and what beliefs they have about money, local roles, marriage, sex, children’s raising, and play. It is always easy to see how you will be happier if your partner changes. Work is a vision and possession of the methods you are known for yourself and how this contributes to the conflict between you.

Good marital treatment

A good marital therapist makes a self -examination of each partner in the existence of the other, because this exploration reveals to the last weaknesses and deeper fears, and creates a real change. The partners can move towards sympathy, consider the needs of the other, and the desire to admit that you are wrong. This is the things necessary for marital reform.

AngerThe distance, separation, sexual closure, and the loss of faith in the relationship are not what you want to think about on your wedding day. However, in terms of sitting, this new stage of marriage is normal: you have an account about who is your partner, and the disappointing ways that the partner does not meet your needs. To bypass it, these facts must be accepted about the other and the struggle with the issue of whether there is, on balance, there is more good in the relationship more than bad. If you can accept what you do not like, work around him, and embrace what the other still loves, you can move forward in marriage, sadness, more wise and happier.

Why are you happier after reckoning?

Acceptance leads to a practical compromise, to make allowances for each other, and stop grumbling and fighting to change what cannot change. The result is the basis of long-term love-correct Friendship Where each partner feels vision, forgive, and accepts who they are.