The cost of parent-child estrangement in gray divorce

Gray divorce refers to couples who are 50 years or older and whose marriage ends marriage. Researchers found that The divorce rate for this group was the fastest growing in the United States, doubling between 1990 and 2010. It is expected to rise by a third by 2030. Countries around the world are seeing a similar rise.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a war; However, it often becomes one. Some even call it “tribal warfare,” when family members line up with each parent and judge and blame shame The other parent. Minor children and adults may become trapped in this traumatic dynamic and lose contact with grandparents, cousins, uncles, and aunts. Sometimes children of a marriage refuse to see one or both parents. Estrangement can permeate the family system. Such separation is costly for children and their parents emotionally, mentally and physically.

Grief and forgiveness

Dustin, 17 years old, smart, athleteAnd successful in school. He is looking forward to college next year. Three years ago, his 52-year-old parents made the announcement Divorce After 21 years of marriage. They have been fighting in court ever since. Below is an excerpt from one of our works to treat Sessions. Dustin’s piercing blue eyes stared into mine, and he began.

Dustin: I was tired of being sad and angry with my father for the pain he caused me. I feel so drained. She helped me figure out what I needed to do moving forward. I understand what grief is and why I need to do it. I used to do it sadness Working through the pain and losses caused by my parents’ divorce.

It also helped that I got my wish. Finally, my father went to therapy. He texted me that he was responsible for his actions that ruined my high school years in so many ways. I felt free to hear that. I still don’t want to see it, but I’m ready to do more forgiveness The work I was learning from you.

I gave Dustin a handout containing the two definitions of forgiveness developed by E. Worthington, who said:

Decisional forgiveness involves making a decision to forgive and let go of angry and resentful thoughts and feelings toward the person who has wronged you.
Emotional forgiveness involves replacing negative feelings with positive feelings such as compassion, empathy, and sympathy.

Carol: “What definition applies to you today?”

Dustin: Both apply to me because I have decided to let go of my angry and resentful thoughts and feelings toward my father, and I am willing to learn how to have positive feelings.

Carol: I agree with you. We’ll start with a process developed by co-founder and director of the Institute for Forgiveness Research at Stanford University, Dr. Luskin. It involves Mindfulness The practice you learned and practiced in your grief work. Would you like to read aloud what he wrote about tolerance, tolerance training, and its benefits, found in the handout I gave you at the last session?

Dustin: certainly.

He opens his notebook that he brought with him to every session and reads.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting something painful that happened, denying or minimizing your feelings, or letting go of your feelings. Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the person who wronged you.
Forgiveness is for you, not for those who hurt you. Reclaim your power. Take responsibility for how you feel; About your healing, not about the people who hurt you; to choose; A trainable skill. Forgiveness helps you control your emotions and can improve your mental and physical health.
In rigorous scientific studies, forgiveness training has been shown to reduce feelings of guilt depressionHope increases, decreases Angerit improves spiritual Communication, increased emotionality Self-confidenceAnd help heal relationships. Learning to forgive is good for your mental and physical health and your relationships.

Looking up, he added, “When I read this at home, I really liked it. I’m ready for the next steps.”

Carol: This is great! Next, what do you remember about Dr. Luskin’s teachings on the pillars of tolerance, and what did you write about yourself at each point?

He flipped to another page in his notebook.

Dustin: I’m so excited to learn this. I will read out loud what he says about the obstacles to tolerance, and what I wrote about myself.

Taking things too personally – Of course, what my father did hurt me personally, but I took it too far as if he did it to ruin my life.
Playing the blame game – I always blamed him for ruining my life.
Having unrealistic expectations – I thought my parents would stay married forever.
Having unenforceable rules – I thought my parents should stay married, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it shock And the terrible pain of their divorce.
Creating Grievance Stories – I have repeatedly told my friends how my father ruined my high school years.
Having unenforceable rules – I haven’t seen my father in three years, hoping he’ll hurt me as much as he hurt me.

Carol: You have a lot of insight, Dustin. In our next session, we will do more exercises to help you move forward through forgiveness.

If you relate to this story, it may be a good idea for you to work with a therapist who has experience with how to help with grief and forgiveness.

Patient names and details have been changed to maintain confidentiality.

To find a therapist, visit Therapy guide in Psychology Today.