Remembering What Hurts: Soothing the Echoes of Wounds

We do not “get over” trauma or loss because we cannot rid ourselves of the memories and their effects on our current emotional experiences. However, if memories are not constantly replayed in our minds, they may fade under layers of later memories, unless a retrieval cue prompts recollection. In this sense, the passage of time can provide a resting place for painful memories.

A self-reminder of loss and trauma

People who have experienced personal trauma may seek out or engage in subjective reminders of their events painful events (Bellett, Jones, et al., 2020). This arousal may result from the realization that trauma is fundamental to the individual identity. But trauma can, as a result, become more important to one’s identity if repetition gives it a more prominent role. A person may be motivated to self-stimulate in an attempt to make sense of the traumatic event or control or predict their emotions, such as when they attempt to align an internal state of distress with an external experience (Bellet, Jones, et al., 2020). For example, a moment of sadness or He is afraid It may conjure up an image of a past trauma, causing you to relive it.

Revisit memories

There are times when we may have to reconsider something that is emotionally painful memory before we can suppress or control it (Depue et al., 2007). In essence, it is important to be aware of how we feel in a given moment and understand how this corresponds to the images and thoughts associated with traumatic memories. This helps us find ways to discourage or distract ourselves and control the urge to return to the past with only thoughts that bother us. Thus, by suppressing the sensory aspects of memory (especially given that traumatic events are initially recalled sensory-wise) and by repeatedly practicing and enhancing cognitive control over one’s memories, memories can be controlled to some extent (Depue et al., 2007).

Find the meaning

Cognitive mastery of trauma, according to some researchers, represents victims’ attempts to generate a theory of the traumatic event and create meaning from it (Kaufman, 2002a). However, for many people, the idea of ​​finding meaning in a painful experience may seem ridiculous. Some people may regret being asked to focus on the positive when they see so little optimism In their experience, this urging by others can lead them to believe that the problem lies within them. Moreover, as some studies have shown, blame and self-blame can involve attempts to generate a theory of an event and search for a way to control what one feels (Kaufman, 2002).

Redemptive stories

Perhaps an unfortunate cultural norm in Western society is a preference for redemptive stories, that is, when an experience is told in a way that conveys growth, meaning-making, or resolution (McLean et al., 2020). This cultural norm suggests that narrators should not ruminate on distress and should provide satisfying endings and redemptive meanings from suffering (McAdams & Mclean, 2013). However, shock and loss are not necessarily compensable. Unfortunately, when people share stories that do not match the listener’s preference for the trauma to be compensated, they may feel unheard, isolated, or devalued, despite the fact that they need and seek support (Guo et al., 2016).

Resilience

The common concept of Resilience It refers to the ability of some people to respond positively to hardships, overcome difficulties, and have confidence in a better future. Flexibility is related to perception and cognition a personality Factors that allow people to search for positive meaning during stressful circumstances or imbue ordinary events with it (Tugade & Fredrickson, 2004). The expectation that people can find positive meaning in adverse circumstances, or gain when faced with trauma, can sometimes be misguided. Such expectations can lead us to believe that we are defective if, internally, we realize that we are not following that path.

The concept of resilience suggests that emotional challenges enhance the ability to bounce back and that resilience promotes positive performance. Those who experience persistent difficulties may become resourceful and develop a greater sense of agency, rather than becoming passive victims who only suffer as a result (Daly, 2020; Frost and Huggett, 2008). Cognitive methods, which involve reframing and transforming experience attention Staying away from him, or finding support around him, may work in some situations and for some people. Similar, but extreme, Rationalization Hardship is the old saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Although resilience is considered a personality trait or attitude through which one deals with difficult situations, it is a multidimensional construct (Southwick and Charney, 2012). Multiple interacting factors are hypothesized to play critical roles in the development of resilience, including genetic, developmental, psychosocial, neurochemical, and functional factors. nervous Circuits and other selective individual difference variables (MC Davis et al., 2004; Wu et al., 2013; Zautra et al., 2005).

Remember or not

Is it better to try to remember the painful emotional memories or try to push them out of the person’s mind? In the past, therapists placed value on recalling trauma in pursuit of a fuller integration of the internal experiences resulting from it. Retrieval of traumatic memories may interfere with an individual’s need to reduce emotional responses by suppressing intrusive memories ( Gagnepain et al., 2017 ). The ability to put unpleasant past experiences out of one’s mind may not be easily controlled WillpowerOr directed thinking or emotional activities such as “trying to forget about it” (Anderson and Levy, 2009). Such logical repressions leave memory and negativity Passion within our awareness, so self-reflexive activation of memory may persist, if not become stronger (Anderson & Levy, 2009).

We can’t necessarily erase memories, but we can learn from them, modify our responses to current situations based on what we’ve learned, or discourage musings when we realize they don’t improve the current situation or help us learn from it. Sometimes, repressing memories may be healthier than dwelling on them, especially since it can prejudice Our perceptions or interpretation of the current situation and interfere with our attention in the present moment (Daliden & Vasey, 1997). Although we can’t erase memories, we can try to control how much we think about them.

(Partly excerpted from my book, Grief is not something to be overcome; Finding a home for memories and emotions after the loss of a loved one)