Obstacles to mercy | Psychology Today

Mercy is healing Passion The lifeblood of close relationships. But through no fault of their own, many people suffer from crippling inhibitions that stifle their nature incentivize Be compassionate to loved ones. They cannot heal old wounds and they cannot love without hurt.

The main contraindications for mercy are He is afraid and shame. Fear inhibition arises from the assumption that empathy makes us vulnerable and inevitably leads to harm. Shame inhibition stems from the assumption that we will appear weak, like a doormat. The deepest shame comes from the perceived incompetence of being unable to maintain empathy.

Usually prohibited Get used to it (Runs on autopilot). But we can overcome it by faking it new Confrontation habits.

Empathy makes us less vulnerable

With empathy, we see the vulnerability of others – and how they deal with it. This unique perspective reduces the likelihood of internalizing others’ judgments, attitudes, or behavior. Compassion helps us distinguish between disappointment and rejection.

Personal power is the ability to act in our best long-term interests. In this sense, we are more powerful when we are compassionate than when we are angry, when we act in accordance with values ​​rather than reciprocating (responding to a fool like a fool).

For example, a client was shamed by male colleagues because of his affection for his wife. They called it “p*ssy-whed”. During therapy, he realized that his co-workers’ sarcasm came from… they Feeling inferior, and no longer comprehending it.

The illusion of duration

I’ve had dozens of clients who resisted compassion as a healing emotion because they knew they couldn’t handle it.

“I can do it for a while, but not forever, so it’s best not to try.”

Fortunately, we don’t need to maintain empathy for long if we make it available when we need it. Most acts of compassion are short-lived, which brings us to The paradox of mercy:

If it is available whenever it is needed, it will rarely be needed.

Practice showing compassion to any hurt or distress, and you will notice that it is needed less frequently.

Negative impressions in love

We are very sensitive to partners who have negative impressions of us. They do not need to express their negative impressions; They are clear in Body languageFacial expressions, and tone of voice.

It is very painful when people we love have negative impressions of us that we even perceive as negative Attacks They tend to respond, knowing full well that this will only exacerbate their negative impressions.

For example, my wife complains resentfully that I never listen to her. I feel unfairly accused as I point out all the times I’ve listened to it. She views my defensive tone as devaluation and patronage. By responding in kind to her negative impression, I am reinforcing it and missing the real problem.

Rule of thumb: Recognize what creates negative impressions and ask what you can do to change it. For example, my wife is upset because she feels ignored, rejected, or isolated. With this understanding, I sincerely respond to her complaint:

“You’re right, I need to listen to you more. You deserve respect.”

This will change her negative impression. Opposing it will strengthen it.

It doesn’t matter if I get an ego because I’ve listened to it in the past. It’s important to feel heard in the present.

Intimate connection

Intimate contact requires:

• Know your partner’s basic self
• Accept your partner’s essential self
• passion
• supports
• protection

We must know the deeper values ​​of our partners. We must know what makes them happy and what makes them sad. We should know what our partners’ faces look like when they are sad and when they are happy.

We must know them and support them dreams.

We must know what we value in our partners and what they value in us.