My First Big Lie and the Four Noble Truths that followed

I discovered my first big lie in third grade. We had timed 100-question math quizzes on Fridays, and I was determined to win the highly coveted prize: a trip to the front of the room to pick out a round pin for your backpack (or your shirt if you’re as obsessive as me).

One Friday, I was answering Question 99 when Mrs. Foley rang the bell. “Time’s up!” I felt it in my stomach. I knew it in my heart. I shouldn’t have done it, but I did it anyway. You filled out question number 100. You got the correct answer.

Mrs. Foley was also my religion teacher at my Catholic school, and the pins in her basket contained Bible verses. When she called me to choose one, she pulled out a pin that said: “The truth will set you free.”

The lie wasn’t just the extra answer I filled in. The deeper lie was the belief that I was not okay as I was, that I needed to win, to be chosen, to be “smart” in order to be worthy.

Versions of this lie have come up time and time again, turning me away from the “wise effort.” Over time, four big things emerged:

I should feel good all the time.
I need to fix things so I can feel better.
I will be happy when…
There is no way out of this.

These are big lies we tell ourselves, but they are also connected to truths that can set us free.

Big Lie #1: I should feel good

Children lie all the time. There’s even a developmental bump He lies In the middle childhood. like Theory of mind As it develops, children become better at lying. It’s actually a social sign intelligence: They care about reputation, shameand installation.

The deeper lie I was encountering wasn’t just a lie Cheating a test. It was a belief that life should conform to my preferences. I lied because I lost. I didn’t like what life had to offer. I wanted Mrs. Foley to love me. I wanted to feel good.

You probably face higher risks from a math test:

A health condition you don’t want
A relationship that hurts
A living situation that grinds you down
A political system that makes you mad and sad

The first big lie says:This shouldn’t happenSo you scramble: you lie, you resist, you control, you push—often in ways that contradict what you know to be true.

For every lie there is a truth. In Buddhism, there are four of them and they are called “Noble Truths,” because when you see them they honor you. The first noble truth is: life is unsatisfying. “Being uncomfortable is part of being human,” writes Pema Chodron. “Life is full of challenges,” says Sylvia Boorstin.

My translation for the third grade? Life sucks sometimes. Which brings us to the second lie.

Big Lie #2: You have to fix things to “feel better.”

Stephen Hayes, founder Acceptance and commitment therapyis famous for saying that the goal is not to feel better, but to feel better.

However, most of us live as if feeling better is the goal. So we:

Hide what’s really going on
Avoid difficult conversations
Say yes when our whole body says no
Numb, check, move away from what hurts

Try this instead:

On one side of the page, list the painful things you want to go away – your relationship, your weight, your condition Chronic painerror at work, always crowded counter.

Then create two columns: Fix and avoid.

under It worksList everything you did to fix these problems (medications, diet, Self-helppleasing, shouting)
under Avoidsstate what you’re doing so you don’t feel it (wine, scroll, imaginaryfatigue)

Then ask: How well has this worked for me?

In ACT this is known as creative desperation – the realization that your “feel better” strategies are actually magnifying suffering. This points to the second noble truth: our resistance, steadfastness, and adherence are what tighten the knot.

The third big lie: You will be happy when…

In third grade, I thought I would be happy when I won the award. That lie grew with me:

If he dates me, I’ll feel better.
When I get my PhD, I’ll feel better.
When my baby sleeps through the night, I will feel better.
If my written proposal is accepted, I will feel better.

You have your own list.

Beneath these stories, as written by Courtney Smith and Elise Lunine Choose perfection over greatnessWe usually chase control, approval, and safety. This pursuit takes us off track from the third noble truth: peace and freedom are possible here and now—even with things as they are.

Your body, job, relationships, and circumstances don’t have to change for you to feel better. When you feel better, you free up more energy for what you actually care about.

Life is unsatisfying and you can still move toward your values—kindness, courage, and connection—even in the presence of dissatisfaction.

Big Lie 4: There is no way out of this

After enough failed “I’ll be happy when…” experiments, many of us have arrived here: there is no way out. It’s called positive psychology I learned helplessness.

in wise effort, I write about a bird trapped in the kitchen, which flies into a closed window. Over and over, his head hits the glass. When we get caught up in these big lies, we think this is the only way. We fly harder with the same strategies that get us nowhere.

Until we realize that there may be another way. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “The way out is the inside.”

To find it, we have to soften: be curious, open, and gently refocus our energy.

Practice:

1. Write down three of your biggest lies, perhaps lies like…

“I have to do what my family wants so they will love me.”
“I can’t stand people being angry with me.”
“I have no value now because I don’t work.”

2. Then write the opposite of each.

“I don’t have to do what my family wants for them to love me.”
“I can handle people getting mad at me.”
“I have value now that I’m not working.”

Try it – even 5% – and notice the changes.

This is cognitive flexibility: a little more space inside your mind and heart. From there, you may glimpse the Fourth Noble Truth: There is a way. Freedom is possible here and now. The path includes such things as wise speech, wise provision, and wisdom Mindfulness-And of course effort wise.

Just as I promised my pin in third grade: The truth will set you free.

I think so more now.