How to start living the life you deserve

Nothing can shake your sense of invincibility and security like an interruption to normal life: losing a job, getting a life-changing medical diagnosis, experiencing a breakup, or losing a loved one. The reactions these crises prompt may differ from you to the next person, but the sense of existential dread they provide is almost universal.

Unfortunately, modern culture leaves little room for the inconvenience caused by these events. We are told to “stay positive” and that we will “bounce back quickly.” But no matter what we or others tell ourselves, the sadness and anxiety they bring always lingers in one way or another.

But this concern is not the problem. Rather, we are more likely to expect no To feel it.

Existential psychology professor Bennette Rousseau Netzer, author of 2025 He studies Published in Journal of Positive PsychologyIt showed me that these unsettling moments may hold the key to a more authentic life. “Feeling shaken or anxious in the face of turmoil is not a sign of weakness,” she said. “It is a deeply human response.”

Instead of moving beyond discomfort, she instead suggests we start using it as a gateway into what she calls “existential presence.” authenticityHere’s how, according to her 2025 study.

Existential authenticity

Existential authenticity is the act of being true to existence itself, not… Being honest with yourself In a vulgar sense. Rousseau Netzer puts it clearly: “Existential authenticity is about living with a clear awareness of the fragile, limited, and uncertain nature of human existence, and continuing to take responsibility for one’s choices.”

Philosophers have been grappling with questions surrounding existence and authenticity for centuries. like research from Current trends in psychological science Existential psychologists point out that there are five ultimate concerns in human life:

1. identity
2. Deaths
3. freedom
4. meaning
5. isolation

Although we cannot escape these themes in our lives, nor the fear they may instill in us, we can nonetheless choose how we respond to them.

In her study, Rousseau Netzer refers to Martin Heidegger, one of the central figures in existentialism. He described two central states being Inside life: Forgetting existence – where we operate on autopilot, immersed in routine and cultural expectations – and Mindfulness to being – Where we step back, face life’s uncertainties, and intentionally choose our life’s path.

Transformative life experiences

If existential authenticity seems abstract, you can start by imagining a moment when life seems to have pulled the rug out from under you.

Russo-Netzer describes these moments as transformative life experiences. She defines them as “an earthquake in your personal world.” She continues, “It shakes the foundations of how you understand reality and opens new ground for building something different.”

These experiences can vary in many ways, from person to person. Some are clearly seismic, e.g bereavementOr disease or war. There are other, less obvious, but destabilizing moments, such as migration AweOr other major life transitions – e.g fatherhood or Retirement. But the common denominator is that it disrupts the taken-for-granted narratives in our lives. They, in turn, open a window into what Rousseau-Netzer calls circumstantial freedom.

In her previous research, she heard various stories such as:

• Sudden death, which forced a person to abandon what he had not achieved marriage.
• A powerful embodied sense of expansion changes a person’s life Professional life Selection in its entirety.
• Diagnosis of HIV infection that has penetrated a person denialWhich led to a sudden feeling of self-confrontation.

Each situation, although quite different in appearance, allows us in one way or another to observe the same phenomenon: that disturbances confront us with fragility, but also with endless possibilities. “Events like this remind us that life is unstable and fragile,” she says. “They ask the question: Given this fragility, how do we do it? I Want to live?

Authentic versus inauthentic coping

However, not everyone sees tragedy as an opportunity to live life on their own terms; In fairness, it seems a lot easier on paper than it is in reality.

Some of us may instead fall into avoidance. we Segmentation And clinging to our routines for dear life. Sartre, another existentialist thinker cited by Rousseau Netzer, Named This is “bad faith”: escaping freedom by pretending that all our choices in life are predetermined.

“Inauthentic coping often occurs when people resort to avoidance, numbing or over-identification of roles,” she explained. In a way, this is how we protect ourselves from… anxietytragedy, or change that instills. However, it also traps us in a life that may still seem empty.

On the other hand, true adaptation requires that we remain curious about our lives and ourselves. We must make meaning into our lives what we want to feel, and be brave enough to never stop searching for it. From this view, we then begin to treat our anxiety as a source of information about our needs and desires, rather than as a disease or symptom.

Rousseau-Netzer emphasizes three conditions that make it easier to deal with our anxiety and panic, rather than simply avoid them:

1. Stay open to uncertainty. If we are willing to embrace our discomfort, we can confront apathy head-on instead of falling into it.
2. Creating frameworks of meaning. Our relationships and our communities Spirituality It is our greatest lifeline. Perhaps this is how we can begin to view our anxiety as a product of our growth, rather than as a threat to our existence.
3. Using our values ​​as anchors. If everything feels unstable, all you can do is remember what matters most to you. This is the compass that gives you direction in life.

Without these supports Free will He can feel completely paralyzed. But with them, we can begin to see it for what it is: true freedom. When we give our anxiety power—or treat it as something that threatens us—we are bound to fight, flee, or freeze in the face of it. But when you treat it as information, you can Harness it As a source of energy and direction.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.