How to raise your only child without feeling guilty

1. Do you usually feel like an only child? Lonely?
2. Does an only child lack social skills?
3. Does an only child have more emotional problems?

These are three questions I get asked often from my patients, because although most Americans say they think two or more children is the ideal, many are, or will be, raising a single child instead.¹ Sometimes it’s because of fertility problems, or because they started their families later in life and are unlikely to have more than one child naturally. Sometimes it’s because the cost of raising a child is too high for them, so they’re “one and done.” But even if money or age are not an issue, and even if they choose to have one child, many parents still feel anxious because they think the answer to each of the above questions is “yes.” They told me they felt guilty or selfish if they didn’t do it, or couldn’t provide it Brother or sister For their only child. If you have these feelings, you are likely buying into negative myths about being an only child rather than seeking out and focusing on the many advantages of being an only child. Here are some answers that are good news for parents of one child.

Most only children are not lonely. Although this is a stereotype and common wisdom As expected, parents of single children say their children are close to cousins, classmates and neighborhood friends. In fact, their children often have more friends than children from large families, because these children are surrounded by children all the time and are less motivated to seek new friendships. Remember, children are looking for what they need. If your only child needs a sibling-like relationship, he or she will usually create one with a friend or friends. My daughter did. Now she’s only an adult, she still has her best friends in high school, and appreciates that she gets to choose her “siblings.” In other words, just not alone.

Most only children do not lack social skills. In fact, adults who grew up as only children have the same type and frequency of social contact with neighbors and coworkers as adults who grew up with siblings.² And there are actually some social skills benefits that come with being an only child. Without sibling rivalry, an only child is more likely to get involved when with friends because he or she is not used to protecting and defending his possessions. When they get into an argument, they usually win because they trained with adults – us, their parents. Usually the only deficiency in social skills is coping with “rough and tumble play,” which is easy enough to provide through pillow fighting or playing sports. By elementary school—and certainly by fifth grade—they are usually as rough and tumble as other children. No second child? No problem.

Most only children do not have more emotional problems. Like firstborn children, only children are expected Narcissistic– But studies have found that this is another myth.³ In fact, a fifty-year study in the United Kingdom found that only children’s cognitive development was more influenced by the relationship between their parents and the financial and emotional resources of their family than by whether or not they had brothers and sisters.⁴ My colleague Alex points out, “As an only child, I learned early how to be independent—to entertain myself, solve problems, and find my own joy—but I also learned how to listen and connect deeply with others. These lessons have served me well throughout my life.”

Signs of emotional prosperity

To reassure yourself, check in with your only child for signs of emotional “thriving.” ⁵

• They are usually affectionate with you or their caregivers.
• They are usually able to recover quickly when things do not go their way.
• They are usually curious or interested in learning new things.
• They are usually able to laugh and smile when they are with others.

If your only child shows some of these signs of thriving, give the benefits of being an only child some credit. Only children get our undivided share attentionso they don’t have to learn to fight for attention from an early age. Their achievements are noticed, therefore Self esteem It tends to be high. Their problems are usually dealt with quickly, so they feel safe and protected. Rethink your thinking Guilt.

Social learning strategies

But if you are still worried about some Social learning For “just” sake, try these strategies:

• Know who your child is and praise him for who he is, not just what he accomplishes.
• Ask them often to share with you, even if it’s just French fries, as they don’t get much practice sharing.
• Try some good-natured banter so they can begin to build defenses for the schoolyard and empathize with those who are being bullied.
• Make sure their stresses are child-sized stressors, not adult stressors they can’t handle, or yours. This is your child, not your best friend or student.
• Don’t forget to play. They may not remember the laundry you did for them, but they will always remember the day you pitched with them or taught them to hit a softball.
• And don’t keep calling them an only child, they are much more than that.

In addition, although siblings have their own advantages, they also have their own problems. They are optional for your child’s mental health happiness-And for your benefit too. Give yourself the joy of an only child Parenting And abandon unnecessary guilt.