Extreme fear and pain of being criticized

Some spend their entire lives defending themselves against it Punishment It is a shame to see it lurking everywhere. Those who tend to think in black and white tend to either feel threatened and vulnerable or completely safe, with no middle ground. So, they wrongly confuse blame with responsibility, and fear responsibility because of what the former entails.

To hold someone responsible means to explain a series of events that lead to some negative outcome, where one or more people are believed to have caused it. Responsibility can mean Anger The need for justice, or the offender’s desire to compensate for his guilt. But responsibility also means the ability to overcome past mistakes through dedication and disciplined effort. Responsibility makes reasonable requests for relief. Responsibility concerns everyone involved. Responsibility is related to justice. Blame is something else.

While blame can be viewed as a responsibility, it often obscures difficult truths. Unlike responsibility, blame does not take justice and fairness seriously into consideration. cooperationAnd growth, even if he pretends to. Blame is unjustified domination. Responsibility means that the response is limited to some moral mistakes, or even a series of them, while blame assassinates the character. Shame is the main weapon of choice for blame. while Guilt It may make us feel discouraged, but it contains hope nonetheless. Shame, on the other hand, is universal, expressed in phrases such as: “You never do anything right.” expose Cruel because she derives great pleasure from punishment. In this regard, punishment does not alleviate empathy or even anxiety for the future of the relationship because its expression is so intoxicating. Blame and defamation are limited to simply holding someone else responsible because responsibility does not aim to destroy; Its main goal, in contrast, is construction.

When a child grows up in a family where such discrimination does not exist, the natural tendency of the child to individualize, disasterEngagement in black and white thinking is enhanced. Black and white thinking, again, makes one feel that taking responsibility is like being punished or treated like a lesser child. However, when punishment is used to try to change behavior positively – at least, when it is not considered by the individual doing it because it does not provide adrenaline and activity. Dopamine Rush experienced in addictedand when done somewhat shyly – its connotations can also be positive and less self-serving. Therefore, we can separate feelings of guilt and shame, as well as degrees and intentions of punishment.

But on this black-and-white basis, where one feels safe or in danger, an individual who fears blame may lead to disaster, viewing criticism as a harbinger of more pain. They may believe that criticism indicates a loss of respect and loss of control (even if excessive at first) while portending complete emotional and physical abandonment, which in turn may lead to a feeling of complete loss of self. Therefore, these individuals often engage in perfectionism, and defend themselves to “protect their peace.” Like an addict smoking Another cigarette, they fail to seriously address the meaning of their long-term solution – if you always stand up for yourself, and are never wrong, then you’re perfect.

But personalization may be the most challenging of all the distorted thinking patterns associated with the fear of blame. So, if the worst-case scenario happens, and the perfectionist is left isolated, he or she will lose Inner critic He will come to fill the void. This means that one will be ashamed of themselves through internalization (believing that they are completely bad), which is the ultimate thing He is afraid. While on the surface the punishment may seem adequate and even reasonable (depending on the bad deed), its footprints tell a different and horrific story. When we begin to distinguish between blame and responsibility, we learn that the former was not effective because it was not meant to be. We learn that sadism, dominance, fear, and even… envy Kept us in our place, which was always the plan. Blame was not meant to raise us, even if that is what we were taught; He was a sheep in wolf’s clothing, and he was still a wolf. The blame was not on us at all. It’s scary to think that when we were in his grip, we didn’t matter.

During treatment, our patients often struggle to understand what others, especially their parents, want from them. On the one hand, they fostered a harsh inner critic. On the other hand, they justified it. Inevitably, the individual becomes confused: “Why should I be afraid of criticism if it is good for me?” That’s because it never was. Learning to distinguish between blame and responsibility often means coming to terms with one’s past, and seeing it for what it is. Some of our patients fear holding their parents accountable, while some in turn shame them as a way to avoid accountability as adults. Both extremes imply a distorted relationship with responsibility. Some find it too harsh for others, and of course themselves, others use it preferentially and excessively.

But responsibility is not a game, which is why most people only hold others accountable when needed. However, finally, in order to distinguish between the two, we need to trust that others do too. This is the hardest part of therapy and life for perfectionists. Perfection They often hold themselves to excessive standards because they believe that this is the way things are, and that if you are really good, you will be above criticism. But the truly righteous are those who welcome him and put him in his rightful place.