Common myths about abuse that keep survivors in denial

Donovan sat on the couch across from me, his head in his hands. “I can’t be a victim of abuse,” he said slowly.

“Why not?” I asked gently, hoping to provoke thought and thought.

“Because I’m a man!” He said, sticking his head out. “And he never laid his hands on me…” he continued, thinking about the unhealthy relationship with his partner that had brought him into this marriage. to treat.

I gave him the classic “therapist nod,” the kind that indicates I’m listening but actually invites him to think more deeply. I wanted Donovan to challenge the stereotypes he had just expressed, and to think about how he kept himself stuck in these beliefs. denial About the emotional and psychological harm he was suffering from.

Growing up in an abusive home can make survivors desensitized to recognizing harmful behaviors

Donovan grew up in an abusive home. I believe that the coping mechanisms he developed at that time, such as denial and rationalization of harmful behavior, are now barriers that prevent him from recognizing the abuse in his adult relationship.

Many survivors of abusive families carry with them unspoken rules and assumptions about what abuse looks like and who it can happen to. These beliefs often create barriers to recognizing and acknowledging abuse later in life. In my practice, I see that these types of assumptions often prevent victims from coming forward or fully understanding their experiences.

Below are some of the most common stereotypes and beliefs that contribute to denial and silence Domestic violence:

1. Abuse only happens to certain demographic groups: People often portray abusive families as being from a lower socioeconomic status, from the inner city, or from a broken or dysfunctional family absolute house. But this is far from the truth, and narrowing our minds to these areas can prevent us from seeing the abuses occurring elsewhere. Where we have no idea something is wrong, we never know how to fix it.

2. Non-physical abuse is harmless: In our society, people tend to view physical abuse as worse than emotional, psychological, or other forms of non-physical abuse. Survivors of non-physical abuse often report their caregivers saying things that minimize their experiences and pain, such as “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” in response to their tears. The message teaches children that only physical abuse is worth crying over. This attitude, that whatever is really bothering them is not “bad enough,” reinforces the victim’s ability to make excuses: belittle the victim, deny it, or even Mind manipulation themselves from any mistreatment or abuse.

3. Gender expectations: In the past, we often viewed domestic or family violence as a women’s rights issue. In the process, we have often ignored the experiences of LGBTQ men and survivors. I find that He is afraid To not believe him or shame and embarrassment Failure to meet society’s expectations of men is often enough to keep males quiet about their abuse. Donovan’s story is a powerful example of this: despite his experience in an unhealthy and potentially abusive relationship, he struggled to see himself as a victim because of the stereotype he had internalized that men could not be abused.

4. The abuse they witness does not affect the children when they grow up and move out: Many assume that once children leave an abusive home, the impact of what they witnessed fades away. In fact, exposure to violence in childhood It often shapes how survivors understand relationships well into adulthood.¹

Searching Psychology Today For the processor Who specializes in family dynamics and childhood shock.

Partially adapted from my book Breaking the Cycle: The Six Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma.