Am I toxic in my relationship without realizing it?

Have you ever calmed in the middle of the argument – your mind is empty, so you are frozen? Or I felt confused after fighting it – not only the room, but the relationship itself?

I was there. For a long time, I did not know the reason. I thought I was the problem, or maybe I was cold. Not available.

But I understood something important: when I was closed, it wasn’t because I didn’t care. It was because my country Nervous system I learned that silence was safety.

I grew up watching Emotional abuse In my house. My husband often hurts me emotionally, and I never told my mother until recently. The energy was unpredictable. I never knew what it could be expected after that. When my mother left him, I felt joy and comfort – after that, we were safe. But then she returned. Then he left again.

Therefore, I learned the nervous system something: Do not trust calm. Safety can disappear at any moment. Although I did not remember this consciously shockI remember my body. Which – which Fearful He did not leave. It’s just quieter, buried.

This style – in one day in one day and went emotionally in the next – survival was alive.

What was really happening in my body?

All this is due to the nervous system – the part of the body that interacts before our brain can treat what is happening. If he feels threat (even if there is no one), he jumps to a survival mode (Zinla Et Al., 2022):

• Fighting (argument or defense)
• Journey (escape or avoid)
• Freezing (closes or going to numbness)
• Class (the people To stay in safety)

And if you face any shock, your nervous system can stumble in these patterns, and respond to small operators as if they were huge threats.

And that is when my body turned into excessive: I felt exhausted, anxietyAnd just as I had to do something – I feel controlled again. I didn’t realize it at that time, but that was excessive, in response to the shock – a case pressure The system is very active. Many survivors of trauma live in this case daily, even when nothing dangerous (Corrigan et al., 2011).

At other times, I suddenly felt empty and closed: my mind is fog – I could not create ideas or words. I will go calm during the arguments. I felt emotional numbness, separate, and away from hand.

This was my body pulling the emergency brakes. “too much. Close everything to survive. “

This is called Lack of ambiguityWhen our system goes to the freezing mode. It is not a conscious option. It is our bodies that protect us by “going without contact”.

This is what created the pressure pattern in my relationships. For some days, I felt to contact – to order with love and warmth. I will be affectionate, alive, involved.

But the next day, I felt a completely different person. anesthetic. calm. Emotional available. I didn’t want to speak.

In the beginning, I thought: What is the mistake with me? Why can’t I stay fixed? But what was really happening … my nervous device swing between two countries to survive.

When you grow in unexpected or unsafe environments, your nervous system learns to stay at high alert – scanning at risk, even when you are safe in the end.

So when I felt to contact, loved, or near someone … my body did not know how to relax in it. I felt unfamiliar. Unpredictable.

So what did you do? The key turned. also:

• Hyper movement: It became exaggerated. My body was anxious and exhausted, like something bad about to happen. I have been overwhelmed, in an attempt to prevent “inevitable”.
• Decrease: I close. I went quiet, numb, separate. It was as if my feelings were stopped. I could not think, speak, or even feel clear.

It was not that my love disappeared overnight. It is that the nervous system was immersed – and took me out of the connection to keep me “safe”. This face and back is common for people who are shocking that has not been resolved. Our body tries to stay safe through constant scanning, responding and withdrawing – even in safe relationships – to protect.

Siegel & Drulis (2023) describes something called Tolerance windowThe area where our nervous system feels is organized enough to deal with stress. Inside this window, we can think clearly, feel emotions, and respond quietly.

But when we face an emotional shock, that window becomes narrower. Our system becomes more sensitive, and even simple stress feels magic.

When we are outside our window, we are either:

• Go over it ((excessive– Our body goes to fight or journey. We feel anxious, angry, panic, or our mind begins in the race.
• Fell ((Lack of ambiguity– The body closes. We feel numb, frozen or separate, or we cannot speak or think.

My window of tolerance has become so tight that little tension – like a loud voice or a tense question – has become dangerous. The nervous system turned immediately: either it was immersed with Passion Or completely close.

I used to think, “This is what I am.” But it was a shock, no a personality.

The trigger is not related to the event itself. that it meaning Our nervous system is attached to it. So when my partner asked something I was not ready to answer, and pushed me to a response, I did not choose silence – Froze. My regime went in a non -connection mode.

This closure was the skill of survival in which I learned childhood– When I kept silent for me safe. But now? He created a distance in the relations of more interesting.

How do I learn to change the style

1. Name of the moment. Instead of ventilation, I stop and say: “This looks old.” “My body interacts with the past, not the present.” This simple designation creates a space between the trigger and an actual response.

2. Organize before the response. I don’t try to “fix” anything while not organizing. I wear myself first: breathing: in 4, hold, for 4. I feel my feet on the floor. Put my hands on my chest and say, “I am safe now.”

3. Follow the operators. I ask myself: What happened just? What did you feel in my body? What does this mention me?

The more the patterns I see – and with this awareness, I have more options.

Healing never means not operating. This means realizing what is happening, staying curious, and responding carefully.