5 questions to determine borders and impose consequences

The world has changed. The rules have changed. And many people since then Corona virus disease It seems that he ignores the boundaries that have been placed on them – in families, at work, in societies, and anywhere. For this reason, I shared my colleague, Ekaterina Ricci, participated in writing the book Slic solutions: setting boundaries and imposing consequences in two steps.

Some people ignore the rules and do not pay attention To the boundaries that others set on their behavior (we think about it People are highly conflict Or HCPS or infiltrators) unless It will follow a meaningful result if the limit is violated. HCPS often (but not always) Group B Personal disorders–NarcissisticBorder lines, anti -society figures and competition – which indicate studies that indicate a strong correlation with the blog, revenge, and intervention.¹

Take this reaction:

You: Please stop talking to me this way. You bother me.

To them: No, I will talk to you in any way I want!

Without a result, this behavior may continue. However, if you mention the result that you are ready to impose it, the matter may go like this:

You: Actually, if you continue to speak this way, you will finish this conversation. It is up to you.

To them: Well, I don’t care. I will talk in any way I want and you cannot stop.

You: I see you chose to end this conversation. Good-bye.

Then you hang or walk away. It is not always that easy, but the basic point is that the result protects you nowadays and sends a clear message to the other person for the future.

the next day:

You: If you continue to talk this way, I will finish the conversation again as you did yesterday.

To them: No, no! We have to discuss this. Do not flow. I will not continue to talk this way.

You have now protected yourself and an effect on a positive change that may last for a long time because you have continued.

the solution

The solution is to learn and practice both skills Boundary and Imposing consequences. Instead of just running your behavior responsibly, you need to learn how to manage or at least influence the behavior of those around you who violate your rules and border Or simply ignore the existing rules that are no longer imposed by others.

In order to keep it simple, especially in Stagnant Parking, technology that we have developed –Slic solutions– It is easy to remember. We have been narrowed to only two steps to think when dealing with a difficult situation:

• Step 1: Determine the limit (during the consequences)
• Step 2: Imposing the consequences (if necessary)
• Step 2½: Add a phrase display Poourism, attention and/or respect about half the time.

5 main questions

Before setting an end to someone, this helps think before your consequences will be if you violate this extent. We encourage you to ask these five main questions:

1. Is the result suitable for the extent that I am You have a group?

It is easy to threaten the dire consequences, but it does not really mean that they are not ready to impose them because they are very extreme. On the other hand, it may be almost meaningless if it is very simple compared to violating your limit. Keep in mind that when the result is threatened but not followed, you lose the credibility of the limits of future preparation and impose consequences. This is worse than not mentioning a result at all.

2. Have you thought about positive consequences as well as negative consequences?

In many situations, as with children or employees, the goal is to improve a person’s behavior. Positive consequences are often more stimulating than negative consequences, and sometimes positive and negative consequences inspire behavior change. Remember the benefit that a person can earn him by respecting the limit you have set, instead of focusing only on a negative result such as getting rid of privileges.

3. Is the result safe?

Sometimes, people go beyond and threaten a severe result that may inspire severe behavior from the person who receives the border. For example, threat a Bullied With the pain of the biggest fatwa, it may bring the opposite results, because you do not really have to control the biggest fatwa and the person who bother you may feel that you have been punished for the threat. victim Domestic violence It may threaten DivorceBut this is often the largest operator of abusive couples who may become violent before the victim is in a safe place. Setting the safety plan before determining the limit, such as announcing the divorce.

4. Am I ready to impose my consequences?

Do not threaten a result that you cannot impose, because you lose the credibility of the future borders and do not get anything at the present time. It is often useful to prepare yourself through training with a friend or family in advance in advance so that you are ready to retreat This may come from the person who determines limits on him. They may have difficult questions or attack you to cut Verbal criticism of your attention.

5. Do I need help in imposing my consequences?

It often takes more than one person to set borders, especially with someone who has a B group a personality Those who may be rooted, revenge, and interfering. It is important to ask yourself this question before trying to set your limit. If you need help, arrange it in advance so that you can say, “If you continue this behavior, the organization or several other people will impose the next result.”

conclusion

Determination can be difficult but necessary. However, with some people (persons with conflict and group B), it becomes necessary to impose consequences in order to really create and respect your borders. You can help thinking about the future and offering yourself to protect your borders and any institution that may be part of it.